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"How could he do this to me? To our children? To God...and to himself?" nearly all of us cry out in the early days of discovering that the man we gave our heart and life to has shattered our world by violating the sanctity of our marriage and giving away what we believed was ours alone.

Yes; how could he? How could they?

In the twenty years since I first realized I needed the answers to these painful questions, I've learned that it is a rare man who wants to hurt his wife this way, and that nearly every sex addict feels deep remorse and shame. And I've learned that inside nearly every grown-up sex addict hides a wounded little boy; a little boy who still feels the pain of his long-ago emotional wounds because he hasn't found a way to heal them. And for most, solid, long-term sexual sobriety remains slippery at best until someone helps that little boy-turned-grown-up-man shine a healing light on the ancient lesions of his psyche and his soul and do the hard, slow work of closing them.

Though this reality is often sadly overlooked in the world of sexual-addiction recovery, some boldly state the truth, hoping that in doing so, others can heal. But no one does it more compellingly than Paul Young, author of The Shack.

When a friend recently sent me a video link of Paul telling his own sexual addiction story, I eagerly sat down to watch it. For the next 74 minutes we both sat riveted. Not only does Paul's story explain how and why so many boys and men use sexual stimulation as a drug to numb their emotional pain, ending up addicted, it also captures how shattering making this discovery is to the addict's partner. Poignantly, Paul discloses the agony of Kim's anger and heartbreak, and the years and patience on his part required to heal it. Paul's story underscores what I hear day after day, week after week, year after year when I ask a new woman to tell me about her husband's childhood. Nearly 100% of the time she tells a story that echoes with his pain—and usually his shame. For a great many, those tangled emotions stem from terrible abuse, but sometimes they are simply the bi-product of not being loved or validated by his father or his mother, or both.

Now I'm eager to pass the link on to you. I believe it can help answer your own heart-wrenching questions; that it can help husbands better understand why their shattered wives are slow to heal; and that it can give you much needed hope as you plod your own path to healing, whether you do it as a couple or you are now doing it alone. I encourage you to pass it on to anyone who will watch and listen so together we can spread the hope of wholeness and freedom with compassion, grace and love for both sex addicts and their partners.

Paul's whole story can be heard on the July 1st link at this address: